I’ve never had the best relationship with my body. I’ve disliked how I looked since primary school. When I write that down, it makes me sad. No child at primary school, or at any age, should dislike their body; nor should anyone of any age for that matter. However, we live in a society obsessed with looks, weight, age, race etc so it’s hard to not get sucked in. I want to tackle how I see my body, not just for me, but for my daughter too.
Since having E, I’m very much back and forth with my body image. One part of me wants to lose weight, so E isn’t embarrassed about having a fat mum when she’s older. I also have this thing that people are judging me for not losing baby weight, which I know is ridiculous, but still. I have this desire to be a nice thin insta-friendly mum.
Another part of me regularly thinks “fuck it! You’re running on minimal sleep, eat the extra slice of cake; piece of chocolate; bag or crisps etc – you deserve it!” I have to be honest, this one usually wins, but then quickly reverts back to the first way of thinking.
The other part of me says “do whichever, but at the end of the day, you need to be happy & confident in yourself to show E how to take on the world!” This part of me rarely shows her face. I’m always too worried about what people think about my body and shy away. Especially since having E. I don’t really weigh much more, but my shape has changed and I’ve not really adjusted to it.
There’s already too much pressure on mums for their bodies to bounce back. My body has never bounced, more rolled… and I need to be ok with that. I need a healthier relationship with eating and myself. I need to be kinder to myself. My knee-jerk reaction is to always make fat jokes about myself, so no one else can, but really I’m trying to protect myself from unwanted advice or sideways glances.
My aim is to be happy, no matter what my body looks like, so I can be a positive, strong role model for my baby girl. She needs that in this world and it should start at home. So, I’m going to start working on my relationship with food and myself. I need to and there’s no time like the present. This isn’t to say I’m going to run and join Slimming World, but maybe start by looking in the mirror and trying to pick something about myself that I like.
If I want E to be in the Strong Girls Club, I’ve got to join it first.